Tales From the Gay Bar – “The Baby Dykes” or “A Small Step for a Lesbian”

Posted: August 16, 2013 in TFTGB
Tags: , , ,

The Baby Dykes: First allow me to answer the question that is most likely popping into your head right now: “uhm what’s a Baby Dyke?”. A Baby Dyke is a rather young woman, in her teens usually, who has just come out. Loud and proud she has proclaimed to the world and her mom “It’s not just a phase, this is who I am!”.

But that is not enough for our baby dyke, no she wants not just to be a lesbian, she wants EVERYONE to know she is one. So what does she do? Well she becomes as gay as she possibly can. But how does one become more gay than one is, you may ask? Well it is quite simple: You take all the stereotypes of what a gay woman should do, want, look like, be, and you become them!

You get a fauxhawk or an undercut hairdo. You spice up your wardrobe with some cargo shorts and tank tops. You wear every.single.rainbow.coloured.accessory.you.can.find. And the piece de resistance: you talk loudly and proudly and all the freaking time about how gaaaaaay you are!

That is a baby dyke!

This also explains how they act when they come to a gay bar. Let’s start with The First-Timer: She is shy, naturally, she will perhaps walk by the place a few times before entering. Often she will bring a straight girlfriend with her and she really wants to talk to someone, but she won’t. She will sit with her friend, only drinking soda and talk very quietly, and when that first soda is finished, they will leave without saying goodbye. If not for the two empty bottles, one with the label pulled off and torn into tiny little pieces by shaky, sweaty hands, they might never even have been there.

The next time she comes in she is no longer a First-Timer and she knows it! She has taken that first humongous leap and she is still dizzy, but high from the adrenaline she ventures back. This time with a promise whispered in the bathroom mirror “I will speak with someone”. She firmly believes it to. But when she walks through that door, her task seems too great to fathom. Where should she sit? Is there an unwritten seating chart? Are there any women here at all? All she sees is men everywhere, how can she navigate such treacherous waters?

Before she knows it, she is sitting at the bar. Because a table all alone? That is too much! She orders, still just a soda, and the bartender resumes conversation with the other customers and she is silent. Now two things can happen, they determine her personality in the eyes of the bartender and the regulars.

1: She, after finding her footing and calming her pounding heart, joins the conversation. Timidly at first, but after a while she finds herself utterly engrossed in a discussion about something without any connection to being gay, and she enjoys it! She has accomplished her goal; she has had a conversation with a fellow member of the LGBT persuasion. Baby dyke: 1 Gay bar: 0! Bring it on world; this girl is ready for ya!

Now the bartender and the regulars will remember her next time she comes in. In their eyes she has entered that unexplainable thing that is called “The Gay Community”. She is welcome there and she will, most likely, find her future friends, girlfriends and, in time, herself there.

2: The second option is the opposite. She does not join in, she sits there silently hearing every word, but she does not take part. This is okay; she is allowed a free pass because she is new. The bartender and regulars probably won’t remember she was there. She can do this approximately three times before she is labeled as “weird”. Let’s hope for her sake she picks up her courage next time she comes in.

Now let’s turn our attention to the more seasoned Baby Dykes. Let us call them The Gang.

The Gang, or something similar, is probably their own term for it. They are 4-6 baby dykes who have become a close-knit group of friends. They consist of: Large and in ChargeSecond in commandThe OTPThe Class Clown and The Outsider. Their group-structure is a lot like any other group’s, but still. Shall we go through them one by one?

Large and in Charge is the shit and she knows it! She might not be the hottest girl in the bar, but her extreme confidence brings her girls by the dozen. She treats them like crap though and pretty soon everyone will realize she’s nothing but a loudmouth. Then she’ll have to reform her ways or disappear from the community completely. For now though, she’s golden. She’s got her “gang” and they do what she says.

Second in command There is nothing to be said about the second in command in this group. Just like there is nothing to be said about the second in command in any group. She’s just sort of there, plays second fiddle to the top dog.

The OTP OMG they are just soooo cute 2gether u guys! The OTP only have eyes for each other, they live, eat and breathe each other (and it’s fucking annoying!) Nothing could ever part the two! That is until one of them cheats and they have a nasty breakup that splits the gang in two for a while, until everyone has taken one of their sides and the other is left for dead.

The Class Clown Is the same as ever. The jokester of the gang. Totally and completely expendable.

The Outsider Is actually the most important piece of the group. She is the one that glues all the others together in their hate for her. She is also (usually) really cool and nice and not a baby dyke, just a normal girl who happens to be gay.

Now I have seen these groups form and fall apart for many years and I have seen them come in to my bar and behave like twats. That’s right; twats. The OTP just sit quietly swapping saliva and The Outsider is naturally not part of their shenanigans. But the rest, just infuriating.

They will act like they own the place. Demand that the bartender plays their music all night, be impatient in the line at the bar, be loud and annoy other costumers and worst of all; bring their drama with them to the bar. So much so that other regulars will choose to stay away.

Well, you’ve met the baby dykes. What do you think?


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