Archive for January, 2015

I have mentioned them a few times before, but I feel it is time to tell you guys a bit more about our bouncers. At our Big Gay Parties we always have 3 bouncers to help us deal with troublesome guests and other strange happenings. The two of them are Mickey and Bob, the third is one of a revolving cast of local bouncers.

Mickey is only slightly taller than me (I am 171 cm tall (5′ 7 for the Handegg enthusiasts, 2.5 arşin for the Ottomans)), but he is extremely muscular. I don’t mean body builder muscly, though I am sure he goes to the gym often, no he is big in the scary kind of way. That way where you know he could put you on the ground before you even realized you’d done anything wrong. You take one look at him and decide “Nah I don’t feel pouring water on a grease fire is in my best interest”. The funny thing is, Mickey is the biggest joker of the group and I rarely see him without a big grin plastered on his face.

Bob is older than most of the other bouncers and is generally kind of quiet. I’ve never actually asked, because these are not the things we talk about, but I’d say he is pushing fifty. He is in charge of booking, payment, all that administrative stuff. Bob is just an all ’round jovial guy. All smiles and laughter, even when he is dealing with fights or people being dicks he is always happy. It is a great attitude to have when dealing with drunk and angry folks, because it’s hard to stay mad at someone who is kind and smiles at you. I think that might also be why he is the only one of our bouncers who doesn’t wear a stab vest. He says he has never been stabbed, so wearing the vest would only invite bad luck.

Mickey and Bob have been with us for at least 10 years and so naturally a lot of our guests know them pretty well. Both the nice ones and the troublemakers. This is extremely advantageous because it creates a safe atmosphere and at the same time I don’t have to tell them who to keep an eye on. They know that way better than I do.

All our bouncers like to joke around and that is never more evident than when they have a new guy on shift. Some well-meant hazing is inevitable and some of our regulars get in on the fun from time to time. It usually falls into three rounds of trials.

Round one:
The bouncers are all straight males, very masculine, rough and tough. So when a new guy shows up for his first shift at The Big Gay Party he is often in for a bit of a shock. First off because Bob likes to not tell them in advance that it’s an LGBT party. Then the guys will continuously ask him if he’s okay, anything troubling him, does he have any questions? Some of the bouncers have never even met a gay guy before, so watching them being thrown head first in the deep end is hilarious. They are flabbergasted and completely out of their comfort-zone, all while trying to act cool because it’s politically incorrect not to be 100% LGBT positive. Oh the laughs!

Round Two:
Quite a few of our regulars are very feminine guys who love themselves a good hunk. Watching them giggling, making lewd comments and sending hungry looks at the new guy is a local pastime here. The more he blushes the higher the cackles ring out over the crowd.

Round Three:
The finale consists of Mickey being an asshole and taking a gaggle of drag queens aside and buying them a round or two to shamelessly hit on the new guy. He is overrun by sloppy come-ons that just get worse and worse and usually ends up stumbling over his words and running away to the back-stage area. Poor guy.

After going through all of that he is rewarded with many manly pats on the back and shoutings of “You’re one of us now” from the others and I make sure he gets a beer as soon as we close. (For the record we’ve never scared anyone away. Yet.)

Our bouncers are really great guys and it’s clear they love their work. Oh and watching 3 tired bartenders and 3 big bouncers chase each other around the empty rooms with ice cubes at the end of a long night is pretty friggin’ great!

The Perfect Roommate

Posted: January 4, 2015 in Life-thingies
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Since moving away from home I have lived both on my own and with roommates. I enjoy both, but I think living with a roommate suits me best. The only problem with having a roommate is, they usually suck. So here are some mean and very one-sided descriptions of my four roommates.

Roommate number one: The Smelly Sharer

I received my very first roommate at a boarding school. There were 6 small houses on school grounds and we were about 10 people in each house. I lived in house number six and shared a room with Agnetha. She was extremely social and had spent a year hitchhiking and squatting around Europe. We got on pretty well in general, but she was in the habit of sharing absolutely everything and since she had hardly any stuff, she mostly took and hardly ever gave. She also didn’t believe in showering quite as often as the rest of us, and washing clothes happened very rarely so I blessed my terrible sense of smell. She was pretty cool at times though. She basically nursed me back to health over 3 days after a terrible allergic reaction, so thank you for that Agnetha.

Roommate number two: The Ghostly Guy

My second roommate came two years later while I was at university. I had to move quite far away and I didn’t know anybody in the area. I got a small dorm room that had a shared bathroom with the room next to mine. The guy who lived there was nice, but bland. I think we talked maybe once a month and it was mostly “s’your turn to clean the bathroom”. I don’t even remember his name, but he was neither good nor bad so I guess that was all right.

Roommate number three: The Batslut

After that I lived alone for a while, but my apartment was shit and ridiculously expensive, so when I met a girl at uni who seemed kind of cool and who needed a new place, I figured we’d give it a shot. That was both a big mistake and a great thing.

We found an amazing apartment in the city centre. It was big, almost 100 square meters (1076 square feet) and when we shared the rent it was incredibly cheap. We grabbed it, moved in and settled quickly. Both of us had also just started dating someone, she had picked one of my good friends Neil, and I had unwittingly jumped aboard a train to Crazy Town (but that would take a while to resolve). Unfortunately my new roommate quickly dumped Neil in a not-very-nice fashion and he was kind of broken up about it so we didn’t hang out for a while. After this she got sluttier and battier every week. A string of unfortunate guys spent the night and she would have violent mood-swings all the time. Luckily after about 3 months she decided to move out and try to live on her own.

Now I was still dating Crazy Town and it was actually going really well. So well in fact that I invited her to move in with me. We totally u-hauled and I learned my lesson. In the beginning it was fine, but after about a year things went south. I have no desire to explain further except to say that she dumped me completely out of the blue and I pretty much fell apart.

I was left with a problem. I still lived in that amazing apartment, but there was no way I could afford it on my own. I had to find another roommate and my solution was simple. I called up Neil. He was living in some shitty dorms in the suburbs and I knew he wanted to move out, it seemed like a good fit. Our conversation went kind of like this “Hey Neil, CT dumped me and I need a roommate, you game?” “You mean I get to live in your awesome apartment? Fuck yeah I’m game!”. And that’s how I got my fourth roommate.

Roommate number four: The Punmaster

Neil and I have been living together for 3½ years and it’s great! We are mindful of each other, we respect one another and we both take equal responsibility. He can’t cook and I hate cleaning so that works out nicely. We both spend most of our time in our rooms on the internet, but we still hang out and have friends over for beers or dinner together. We both have a terrible sense of humor and it’s common for one of us to break out in a cheesy 80’s song only to have the other roll their eyes and promptly join in. I am so happy with our living arrangement and really, to me, he is The Perfect Roommate.