The Perfect Roommate

Posted: January 4, 2015 in Life-thingies

Since moving away from home I have lived both on my own and with roommates. I enjoy both, but I think living with a roommate suits me best. The only problem with having a roommate is, they usually suck. So here are some mean and very one-sided descriptions of my four roommates.

Roommate number one: The Smelly Sharer

I received my very first roommate at a boarding school. There were 6 small houses on school grounds and we were about 10 people in each house. I lived in house number six and shared a room with Agnetha. She was extremely social and had spent a year hitchhiking and squatting around Europe. We got on pretty well in general, but she was in the habit of sharing absolutely everything and since she had hardly any stuff, she mostly took and hardly ever gave. She also didn’t believe in showering quite as often as the rest of us, and washing clothes happened very rarely so I blessed my terrible sense of smell. She was pretty cool at times though. She basically nursed me back to health over 3 days after a terrible allergic reaction, so thank you for that Agnetha.

Roommate number two: The Ghostly Guy

My second roommate came two years later while I was at university. I had to move quite far away and I didn’t know anybody in the area. I got a small dorm room that had a shared bathroom with the room next to mine. The guy who lived there was nice, but bland. I think we talked maybe once a month and it was mostly “s’your turn to clean the bathroom”. I don’t even remember his name, but he was neither good nor bad so I guess that was all right.

Roommate number three: The Batslut

After that I lived alone for a while, but my apartment was shit and ridiculously expensive, so when I met a girl at uni who seemed kind of cool and who needed a new place, I figured we’d give it a shot. That was both a big mistake and a great thing.

We found an amazing apartment in the city centre. It was big, almost 100 square meters (1076 square feet) and when we shared the rent it was incredibly cheap. We grabbed it, moved in and settled quickly. Both of us had also just started dating someone, she had picked one of my good friends Neil, and I had unwittingly jumped aboard a train to Crazy Town (but that would take a while to resolve). Unfortunately my new roommate quickly dumped Neil in a not-very-nice fashion and he was kind of broken up about it so we didn’t hang out for a while. After this she got sluttier and battier every week. A string of unfortunate guys spent the night and she would have violent mood-swings all the time. Luckily after about 3 months she decided to move out and try to live on her own.

Now I was still dating Crazy Town and it was actually going really well. So well in fact that I invited her to move in with me. We totally u-hauled and I learned my lesson. In the beginning it was fine, but after about a year things went south. I have no desire to explain further except to say that she dumped me completely out of the blue and I pretty much fell apart.

I was left with a problem. I still lived in that amazing apartment, but there was no way I could afford it on my own. I had to find another roommate and my solution was simple. I called up Neil. He was living in some shitty dorms in the suburbs and I knew he wanted to move out, it seemed like a good fit. Our conversation went kind of like this “Hey Neil, CT dumped me and I need a roommate, you game?” “You mean I get to live in your awesome apartment? Fuck yeah I’m game!”. And that’s how I got my fourth roommate.

Roommate number four: The Punmaster

Neil and I have been living together for 3½ years and it’s great! We are mindful of each other, we respect one another and we both take equal responsibility. He can’t cook and I hate cleaning so that works out nicely. We both spend most of our time in our rooms on the internet, but we still hang out and have friends over for beers or dinner together. We both have a terrible sense of humor and it’s common for one of us to break out in a cheesy 80’s song only to have the other roll their eyes and promptly join in. I am so happy with our living arrangement and really, to me, he is The Perfect Roommate.


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