Tales From The Gay Bar – “The Barrel Chested Duo” or “Mickey and Silent Bob”

Posted: January 25, 2015 in TFTGB
Tags: , ,

I have mentioned them a few times before, but I feel it is time to tell you guys a bit more about our bouncers. At our Big Gay Parties we always have 3 bouncers to help us deal with troublesome guests and other strange happenings. The two of them are Mickey and Bob, the third is one of a revolving cast of local bouncers.

Mickey is only slightly taller than me (I am 171 cm tall (5′ 7 for the Handegg enthusiasts, 2.5 arşin for the Ottomans)), but he is extremely muscular. I don’t mean body builder muscly, though I am sure he goes to the gym often, no he is big in the scary kind of way. That way where you know he could put you on the ground before you even realized you’d done anything wrong. You take one look at him and decide “Nah I don’t feel pouring water on a grease fire is in my best interest”. The funny thing is, Mickey is the biggest joker of the group and I rarely see him without a big grin plastered on his face.

Bob is older than most of the other bouncers and is generally kind of quiet. I’ve never actually asked, because these are not the things we talk about, but I’d say he is pushing fifty. He is in charge of booking, payment, all that administrative stuff. Bob is just an all ’round jovial guy. All smiles and laughter, even when he is dealing with fights or people being dicks he is always happy. It is a great attitude to have when dealing with drunk and angry folks, because it’s hard to stay mad at someone who is kind and smiles at you. I think that might also be why he is the only one of our bouncers who doesn’t wear a stab vest. He says he has never been stabbed, so wearing the vest would only invite bad luck.

Mickey and Bob have been with us for at least 10 years and so naturally a lot of our guests know them pretty well. Both the nice ones and the troublemakers. This is extremely advantageous because it creates a safe atmosphere and at the same time I don’t have to tell them who to keep an eye on. They know that way better than I do.

All our bouncers like to joke around and that is never more evident than when they have a new guy on shift. Some well-meant hazing is inevitable and some of our regulars get in on the fun from time to time. It usually falls into three rounds of trials.

Round one:
The bouncers are all straight males, very masculine, rough and tough. So when a new guy shows up for his first shift at The Big Gay Party he is often in for a bit of a shock. First off because Bob likes to not tell them in advance that it’s an LGBT party. Then the guys will continuously ask him if he’s okay, anything troubling him, does he have any questions? Some of the bouncers have never even met a gay guy before, so watching them being thrown head first in the deep end is hilarious. They are flabbergasted and completely out of their comfort-zone, all while trying to act cool because it’s politically incorrect not to be 100% LGBT positive. Oh the laughs!

Round Two:
Quite a few of our regulars are very feminine guys who love themselves a good hunk. Watching them giggling, making lewd comments and sending hungry looks at the new guy is a local pastime here. The more he blushes the higher the cackles ring out over the crowd.

Round Three:
The finale consists of Mickey being an asshole and taking a gaggle of drag queens aside and buying them a round or two to shamelessly hit on the new guy. He is overrun by sloppy come-ons that just get worse and worse and usually ends up stumbling over his words and running away to the back-stage area. Poor guy.

After going through all of that he is rewarded with many manly pats on the back and shoutings of “You’re one of us now” from the others and I make sure he gets a beer as soon as we close. (For the record we’ve never scared anyone away. Yet.)

Our bouncers are really great guys and it’s clear they love their work. Oh and watching 3 tired bartenders and 3 big bouncers chase each other around the empty rooms with ice cubes at the end of a long night is pretty friggin’ great!

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